You may or may not be aware, but last night's sky beheld a Capricorn New Moon. And this may or may not mean anything to you, which is fine. It’s interesting though, in terms of the recognition vs. unfamiliarity/oldness vs. newness theme, because a New Moon (even if you just look at the term symbolically) urges us to examine our current lives, what we have achieved, and where we still need to go. Pairing it with Capricorn, the hard-working and no-nonsense sign of the zodiac, inspires us to use these examinations to take action.
In choosing this theme, I was massively driven by my love of comparing Old Me vs. Current Me (à la Timehop or Facebook Memories. How strange it is that our past experiences are archived neatly for us on our social media platforms, just waiting for us to revisit them). Now, is this a constructive habit, or an unhealthy one? I've never really questioned it until now; especially ever since I started meticulously journaling, it's just something I do. I put current events in terms of where I was/what I was doing however many months or years ago.
In truth, I believe that I have changed a lot over the course of the past couple of years, and I like being able to look back and see how far I’ve come. I have taken a great deal of personal pride in actively rejecting Old Me in nearly all of its forms (cue “Old Ways” by Demi Lovato, followed by “Confident” and then “Revival” by Selena Gomez).
And so I ask myself: if I were really ~moved on~ from who I think I used to be, if I am really and completely reformed from the insecure, second-guessing, excessively apologetic lil teen bean I once was, then why this obsession with always revisiting it? I look back at words I wrote years ago as if I’m checking up on an old friend. Hang in there, pal. It gets better, trust me, I know. I mean, I am literally living the Better. I know who I am and what I’m about. It’s not like my girl scout badges for Growing Up and Realizing My Own Value As A Person will be ripped from my self-awarded sash if I don’t constantly remind myself that I deserve them, right?
Answer: actually, I think those badges would become obsolete without these constant reminders. Growing Up and Realizing My Own Value As A Person were not simple, one-stop changes that just clicked when I woke up one day. We are all growing up all the time, and pulling yourself out of self-loathing is a constant and daily effort. Unlearning how to unlove yourself, practicing your worthiness of love, and making yourself an instrument of your own peace: these are all constant states of existence, not destinations (cue “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus). I consider myself a mature and confident person. That doesn’t mean I don’t tirelessly work at feeling like I deserve to call myself those things. If you think for one second that I don’t look myself straight in the mirror and give myself timeless Kate Nash advice—"wake up every morning and tell yourself that you’re a badass bitch from hell and that no one can fuck with you and then don’t let anybody fuck with you”—you are dead wrong. I am giving-compliments-to-myself-in-the-mirror-level conceited, and I am proud of it.
Anyone who knows me will vouch for my claim that I love social media, and how I love to document my life. I think it’s a great and powerful thing that we are living in a time when it is so easy to actively monitor yourself and refocus your goals. And I think it’s great and powerful if you can look back on the progress you’ve made and give yourself a little hey, good job pal. We all gravitate towards this idea anyway: new year’s resolutions are sort of bullshit but they’re also sort of amazing. We have a collectively-imposed time of the year when we all take a moment to remind ourselves of who we want to be and who we have been. It’s a national moment of looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you’re not gonna let anybody fuck with you, and I am absolutely here for that.
12/31/2013 | 1/1/2014 | 12/31/2014 | 1/1/2015